Momwatch 2013: Me: "Mom are you alright? The Trooper said the car was in a ditch." Mom: "Yes I know." Me: "Where were you headed?" Mom: "Into a ditch, obviously." Me: "Obviously." Mom: "Where are you?" Me: "Home, in PA." Mom: "What are you doing in Pennsylvania?" Me: "Mom ... what's my husband's name?" Mom: "Ummmmmm. Errrrr. Huh." Me: "Put the doctor back on the phone Ma."
Mom (watching me): "You know, I have yet to pump my own gas." Me: "Oh? You haven't fueled since Dad died?" Mom: "No, I mean ever. I never do my own gas." Me: "There's a place around here that does it for you?" Mom: "Oh no. I just stand outside the car and look lost and helpless, which is easy for me. Someone always comes over and offers to help." Me: "So what you're saying is that you use your elderly wiles on these nice small town people in order to get out of a simple menial task?" Mom: "Hey, if you got it, use it. In my case it's looking like a breeze would knock me over and I'd break a hip and die." Me: "How long have you lived here?" Mom: "Over ten years." Me: "Not once?" Mom: "Not once." Me:
(Author's Note regarding breaking of hips - my mother has proven beyond any ability of modern science to explain it that she's indestructible. The only thing falling in a gas station would do is likely expose her Terminator-esque endoskeleton. Then her secret would be out and she'd have to pump her own gas.)
In response to a large box left by UPS (what you see is a quarter of her latest inventory):
Me: "Mom, why did you buy a bird feeder shaped like an Airstream trailer? " Mom: "It's cute isn't it?" Me: "You have eleven, that makes it more like a bird trailer park." Me: "And the banister post shaped like an Uncle Sam nutcracker?" Mom: "To show I'm American. Duh." Me: “Of course, how silly of me. The surfboard clock?" Mom: "Ya got me on that one. I don't think I surf. Do I? " Me: "No, not unless you count escaping death in a statistical impossibility." Me: "Mom, you don't wear hats. Ever." Mom: "They had one in every color! And you know I love pink!" Me: "You're a hoarder." Mom: "I'm just insuring you have enough to do when I finally go."
This, this is why I tell her that I can't teach her the internet. She manages all this with an ink pen, catalogs and a cordless phone. So I tell her that if she breaks the internet she will get electrocuted and all the ventilators in the nearby hospital will short-circuit. It's a lie I can live with.
Me: "I'm going for a run." Mom: "I don't like the idea of you running. They say it's not good for you, too much of a strain on your system." Me: "Those who live in glass tobacco plantations shouldn't throw Lucky Strikes." Mom: "I hate menthol." Me: "Then unless you're going to cowgirl up and lasso me with that there nasal cannula, I'm headed for the wharf." Mom: "Ok, you win - I don't have enough slack on this thing anyway."
Two and a quarter miles at a sloths pace. But the sun was shining on the water and the huge vulture that was pacing me flew off disappointed when I didn't drop. Win win for first time out in a month.
Doctor: "Have you had the flu shot?" Mom: "I'm allergic." Me: "Lie." Mom: Me: "Doctor, she doesn't do vaccines - she says 'allergic' but means 'control freak who doesn't trust the system." Mom: "Yes." Doctor: "I see. So, we don't have a lot of records for you from the last couple of years." Mom: "That's because until recently I was healthy as a horse." Me: "Lie." Mom: Me: "She says 'healthy as a horse' but really means 'I was an ER nurse for several decades and thus I speak your language oh medical one, therefore with a polite smile and the right keywords I know you will likely let me off with a script and a smile. That is how I have successfully evaded capture for all of these years for my uncontrolled COPD." Mom: "Yes." Doctor: "I see. And you brought your mom here to see me because ..." Me: "Jeff Corwin was unavailable and Steve Irwin is dead. You were the next logical choice. You want my tranquilizer gun? It's in the car." Doctor (to Mom): "Does she always talk like this?" Mom: "No. Sometimes she gets mad too. It's probably why I'm still alive." Doctor: "Strong work."
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