The Year in Review (2005)

In perusing my LJ, it's obvious that I haven't posted very much of substance for 2005 -- a few key commentaries early on, followed by the occasional meme or interview that I found amusing.  I suppose in some ways I have to feel this inconsiderate of me, as I look forward to checking my LJ Friends' page every day.  It helps me feel like I'm keeping in some sort of touch with those I do not get to see often.  A gentle support system that is just ... there.  So is it fair to be a voyeur in others lives without at least contributing a piece or two of myself in return?  I don't know. 

The turn of the calendar year is guaranteed to make even the hardest person even the smallest bit introspective.  Another year gone by for better or for worse, but gone nonetheless.  This has been a rough year for so many, myself included.  Yet I find myself grateful for so many things, even something as simple as my Friends page here on LJ.  I cannot tell you how honored I am to have been afforded the glimpses into these lives, they make me feel connected and give me a boost every day.

Back in April I was involved in a fatal motorcycle accident.  More specifically, a gentleman on a stolen motorcycle got angry with someone who had cut him off on a side street and decided that in order to prove a point he should go up in a wheelie and blow by said vehicle at approximately 70 mph.  Unfortunately this choice cost him his life, as it caused him to go through a red light and slam directly into the passenger side of the cab of the ambulance I was driving.  I was very lucky in that I did not sustain any serious physical injury, but I do retain some anger over having this forced upon me ... not guilt, but rather dragging me and my family into this dramatic cycle which will surely revisit us in future.  The only other positive to this was that my passenger was not killed or more seriously injured and because of helpful witnesses I did not have to face a grand jury for investigation.  The week following the accident was a private emotional rollercoaster for me, and it brought me to terms (in a good way) with a few things.

According to our calculations, approximately ten days later (coinciding with Beltane actually) I became pregnant.  The timing is significant for me, and I am grateful for it.  We'd been trying for some time without success.  Despite my happiness with it, this pregnancy has been much harder on me than the last one.  Starting with the 17th week I developed excruciating hip pain that nobody could relieve.  Considering the nature of my job, the subsequent two and a half months were a nightmare.  They finally relieved me of duty in October.  Now even though I'm glad to be out of work, this time around I'm forced to deal with qualifying for state disability.  I'm discovering that this must be a punitive process, in order to prevent people from going out of their way to apply.  Even when I manage to get through the paperwork, it's effectively halved my income.  This is pretty crippling to us, but we'll muddle through -- it's not much longer now.

I'm also blessed with all the high risk fun again.  Let's see, I'm "AMA" (advanced maternal age, OUCH) and now in the last trimester I've also developed gestational diabetes and gestational hypertension again.  All of which means little more than the fact that I spend half of each week either in the hospital or with my OB.  I get tests, blood work, urine tests, ultrasounds, amniocentesis, the works.  Between that and my hips, I'm really at the end of my rope -- however they tell me every time how well the baby's doing and how good it looks.  Great, terrific, too bad mommy's getting the life sucked out of her.  Luckily I'm past 37 weeks now, so I'm full-term.  In fact they're planning to induce me in a couple of days if Mother Nature doesn't kick in first, my blood pressures haven't been good and they don't feel the need to play Russian Roulette with them anymore.

I joke about my labor last time, but the fact is that I'm scared.  I got induced at 38 weeks last time and it took 38 hours from start to finish.  Over a full day and a half of labor, no food, little meds, etc.  I got my first pain med at hour 24, didn't help.  Got my epidural at hour 28, it got messed up at hour 30 ... so I had active labor on the left side of my body for two hours until they could fix it.  Got it fixed, then it wore off completely by hour 36, leaving me to go through the final two hours of the REAL deal exhausted and without an ounce of relief.  The end result was two black eyes and a beautiful baby boy, but it doesn't mean that I'm in a hurry to go through that again.  Though I suppose we're at the point of no return and everyone promises me it won't be AS bad.  We'll see.

My son is very happy about the baby.  He kisses my stomach and wishes it good night, or says "see you soon."  He does understand the concept of pregnancy and that it's an actual baby in there, last week he indicated that I should push it out so he can see it.  We'll see if he stays that way once he realizes the new baby isn't leaving and he's got some competition.

He started school this year, just Pre-K but still ... I am proud to say that I survived the first day without too much trauma.  He absolutely loves going to school, and it's really helped him socially.  It also brought forward what we've suspected for awhile, that he's having trouble hearing and it's causing him to have speech delay.  That's put us on a whole other path.  He failed his hearing tests due to fluid in both ears, so we've spent the better part of three months between audiologists, the ENT specialist and his pediatricians.  After treating another tenacious infection, he had the tubes put in his eardrums and is now waiting for his repeat tests.  He's also in the Early Intervention program now, being evaluated for speech therapy and his cognitive development. 

It was SO hard to sit quietly while the speech therapist put him through his paces in the initial testing phases, I thought I would crack my teeth from clenching.  Even though he's four years old, back in September he tested at 2 years, 9 months as far as his ability to express.  He couldn't understand why mommy couldn't stop crying when we got back in the car.  This coming Thursday he goes for the full cognitive battery, to determine what level of assistance he needs to get him caught up before Kindergarten. 

His ear tubes were his second surgery, yet even more stress for poor mommy.  However he breezed through it and I will honestly say that we're noticing improvement.  He actually sang a song this Christmas, "Jingle Bells."  It's the first actual song with lyrics he's ever sung.  It's obvious that he can hear better -- between that and the exercises we've been doing he appears to be improving steadily, I'm just afraid to be overly optimistic and say the entire problem is "cured."  Not when the audiologist initially said he was an "amplification candidate." 

After some mild optimism that moving to VA would improve my parents lives, I find they have sunk right back down into the same enabling co-dependent hell that they had in NJ.  My brother lasted only a couple of months without them and of course they let him move in with them down there.  He has since returned to drinking, my mother right along with him.  My father sounds just as stressed as he was back in NJ, following my mother around and trying to keep her from drinking and driving my brother back and forth to work since he has no license thanks to his DUI.  My mother dumped the car in a ditch again, after a drunk driving spree though town -- but my father got to her before the VA State Police got to the scene, so they cut him a break.  It is what it is.  I do not expect to see them, even after the new baby comes.

While that is sad to an extent, I have my own family now and all I can do is my best to prevent the same cycle from repeating.  In 2005 I celebrated my fifth anniversary, married to the love of my life.  And as was pointed out to me recently -- it's not perfect and it shouldn't be.  But I will not for a minute not be aware of what I have and appreciate that with the depths of my being.  I can only pray that everyone has the opportunity to love that well, even if just once in their life.

Happy New Year.