I like the new role I'm in, but the adjustment is hard on a few levels. Some weeks it's easier and others not so much. I'm able to get up at the ungodly hour of 4am and actually get out the door reasonably on time, but by the end of the day I'm just drained. Getting out at 2pm sounds really good, I should have the rest of the day to be productive. However so far I'm just too tired by the time I get home and wind down to do much more than prepare for the next day. It is slowly getting better, I know I can't cancel out 15 years of nights in several weeks, but it's frustrating. Five days is a lot for someone who's had a three day base for so long, plus the gas hurts. My boss is letting me tailor a four day schedule at the end of this month, I'm hoping that will help all around.
I am still unsure of myself and my scope of authority. My boss is a good guy and a strong leader, I would not taken this position if he was not in the role he's in. He and I went to medic school together, so we've known each other 20 years now. He's worked hard to get himself where he's at and I can learn a lot from him, though of course he doesn't make it easy. I left an arena where I was the alpha (and referred to as such), I didn't give myself the nickname of La Reina. Put me knee deep in body parts among flaming vehicles and I'm in my element, in a board room I find myself becoming shy and reticent. Big fish in a little pond back scooped up and dropped into one of the Great Lakes.
Even my friends aren't sure where to categorize me. On the one hand they've been awesomely supportive, insisting that I'm perfect for the job. Just the other night one crew said to me that now they would respect the QA process, because it's me and if I come to them saying a correction needs to be made, that they'd know it was from someone who knew what they were talking about and wasn't looking to bust balls. That really really meant a lot. Yet at the same time, they stop talking at points in the conversation now and look at me in askance as if they're worried I'll turn "boss" and someone will get in trouble. Another person has to qualify that he wants to talk to "old Tracey" when he wants to talk "normally." My former partner doesn't really talk to me at all. She doesn't call or return mine, not even the text messages. When I finally catch up with her she gives me a bunch of excuses, "We're on different time zones now." I know how she's feeling, I've been through it a time or two. I know why it is that this stuff happens, doesn't make it any easier.
Of course the insult to injury is that I actually bring home less money right now. I knew this was going to happen, it was my biggest fear considering our current financial status. But it's true, I'm bringing home as much as $300 less a month because I've lost my night differential and overtime. Now eventually I can make that up because I am allowed to take overtime, but right now I have way too much on my plate in order to manage it. I'm actually going to have to get a part time medic job, one for the money and two because I want to keep doing patient care. I left my last per diem medic job back in 2000. It's just funny, get a promotion, work harder, make less.
I don't mean to be all glum about it either, as I said I like the job. It's different and it's challenging and I think that if done correctly I will eventually be able to have a positive impact on the department's standards of care. I don't have the stress of being late or waiting for relief, because unless I have a meeting scheduled I am my own entity. I have a lot of freedom and my boss trusts me, even though I'm brand new in the job he wants me to find my feet and supports my decisions. I'm the only female Chief in the department and that's something too. I don't imagine I will be too popular with some when it comes to remediations and corrective actions, but it's in an area that I feel strongly about -- patient care. I want us as a department to return to a gold standard, not just a ghetto one. I think I can help achieve that with where we're at now so long as I am fair and stand my ground. Long as I have my sunglasses of course ... that yellow orb is vicious!
My kids like the new schedule. My son loves when I pick him up at the bus stop in my gold badge and all. They love having me here in the evenings and with weekends off we do family dinners all the time now. I'm able to sleep so long as I don't ignore bedtime. If I push past 9:30 though ... night mode kicks in and I have a tough time of it. I do find that I eat less working days and I don't have any really periods where I'm truly dragging. With the short work day it seems like just when I'm getting a little tired, it's time to go. If I can get my time management skills working I'm hoping to get to the gym regularly in the afternoons again, which I think will make a big difference in how I'm feeling. With Chris still working nights we have to get creative with scheduling our time together but he remains 100% behind the decision to take this job. I don't think he realizes how much this has meant to me and kept me going.
Financially we're hanging on by the skin of our fingertips. Just like a lot of people I'm sure I don't know at which point we went flailing past the potential point of no return, but here it is. All I can do is try to stay positive and control the spending as much as possible, I'm working on some side efforts to help bring in income and I need to face the fact that I may end up having to get over my personal fears and start writing as a means to help my family. Stephen King couldn't even afford his own phone when he wrote Carrie so I'm sure I'm not the only person in such a boat. Chris sold off a few things and next stop is Ebay for some of the things collecting dust around here.
The kids are doing great, Heidi is at that awful time where she's a kid stuck in a woman's body. So long as you dont remind her of it she's pretty happy. Terribly smart, voracious reader, loves her fantasy and gothic worlds just as much as she enjoys George Orwell and Stephen King. Still her her horse phase with no interest in hair/skin care or the opposite sex and I have no interest in rushing her. Owen's overall attitude is better since Chris worked with him over the summer, they take mixed martial arts classes and he's been doing all his homework thus far. He even admitted to me last night that he actually likes coming here, with his big snaggle-toothed grin.
James is speaking so well and still loves school. His teacher's stricter than last year and she and I don't communicate as much or as well as his kindergarten teacher BUT the results are good. He can read and write and is doing well with math. He has his "best friends" Brody and Willow and can usually at least tell me some things he does during the day. We have him in Irish stepdancing class now. Ok ... stop chuckling. ;) I wanted him in a dance like tap, because the percussion is easy for him to follow. Turns out there's a decent Irish school right in town so over the summer we gave it a shot.
He's a complete spaz with bricks for feet but slowly but surely he's getting the hang of it and he loves it. He's the only boy in his class with all these blond and red-headed gazelles who just fawn over him. His favorite tutor is Lindsay, one of the champion dancers. She's got legs a mile long and long blond hair and adores him. As his teacher pointed out, "When he's a little older he may hate you." She looks around the room at the girls and grins, "When he's a LOT older, he'll love you." I have to agree.
Meredith. What can I say about her besides the fact she is evil incarnate. Yes Tribanin, she trumps James for pure evilness. Why? Because she also has this wicked sense of humor and is totally deliberate in her mischief. She's fully aware of her own charms and uses them to her advantage and in her defense. And I can honestly say she does look like me, except for the riotous mass of blonde curls atop her head.
We went to Quiet Valley last weekend for their Harvest Festival, an 18th century recreationalist farm not far from here. (www.quietvalley.org) The kids ate homemade pretzels and shoo-fly pie, decorated pumpkins and threw corncob darts. They learned about beekeeping and cheesemaking and watching the Civil War regiment work with their rifles.
As I watched the four of them sit quietly together listening to a candlemaker, I smelled the nearby woodsmoke and noticed the turning leaves surrounding them. I'm reminded not only about how much I love autumn each year, but that my own autumn is coming as well -- and I'm really proud of my harvest.
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